His time

May 22, 2016

Ah long time no write in this space, so much so that my grammar has gone to the dogs.

Today I got quite severely disappointed when we finally discussed plans. I was hoping for some happy times this year. Somehow. Probably my own fault for being naive and failing math.

Then I find out the exams are in November. Which is fine. But then, therefore, nothing is planned before that at all. Which kinda pushes everything back by at least 6 months.

Wanting forever to start as soon as possible.

But perhaps God has other plans. What am I saying. Of cos God has other plans. I just need to trust in him.

Can’t be relied upon. Fickle. Indecisive. Says to go for some course, but don’t see how he’ll have the time.

Dear dear, negative words all out. Too harsh? A bit borderline personality.?

Maybe some sleep would be good for me .

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6 March, 2016 00:35

March 6, 2016

Drifting… Drifting… Or simply uncovering and revealing what we never possessed?

Teaching independence, or simply a lack of love.

What joy do I derive?
What joy do I give?

Two sides as always.
Hard as always.

writing on the wall.

August 15, 2015

went for cell group with other christian E trainees. only 2 others turned up (total of 4 of us).

was quite pleasant though still.

but what surprised me was how easily i almost teared when i shared about someone not being christian.

shocked to learn that L gave her then BF (now husband with 2 kids) an ultimatum, that she’ll leave if he doesnt return to church after 6 months.

it would all have been back burner again, if not for the fact that he turned up to pick me up, however, i basically continued with CG because it felt quite meaningful to me. unfortunately, it entailed him waiting for 1.5hours. and he was royally upset.

which led me gradually to think of all the times he got angry. which led me to feel that he’s more often angry with me than i am with him. and for perhaps, ?petty things.

which leads me to unhappy thoughts. thoughts which have break, separation in it.

i wonder if that is the right thing to do.

sigh.

28years on earth

August 8, 2015

🙂

took leave peri-birthday.

best practise ever. highly recommended.

although there was some anxiety on my part wrt to manpower at work. and i nearly went back to work because i felt bad. but because someone else took leave as well, and family were making fun plans with me, i decided to not be a slave of work, and just TAKE LEAVE IN PEACE. 😀

after all, work, will just trudge along anyway. no one really remembers that you came back on your birthday to slog alongside them. my net loss of happiness compared to their net gain in happiness at one more manpower at work, will likely result in net loss of happiness throughout. not to mention loss of happiness on my loved ones too.

aug 5, spent 70% of it asleep. 😛 went for a jog, approx 17min for 2.4km. which is not much really. but up from zero, it’s great. considering i only started exercising with residency. and i wasnt completely winded either.

aug 6. leisurely woke up. said morning prayer. went to make a pair of spectacles. found to my horror that my degree has increased! 😥 but i didnt see a huge difference with the higher degree, so opted to keep to old degree. then ate at chili’s. free birthday skillet brownie! whee, love them freebies. i like brown sugar on my ribs too. only downer was N wasnt there. and was late. and caused me a little bit of anxiety while trying to pick us up (he got lost, i worried whether i should have picked the parking lot as meet up point, worried about whether we would be late blah blah blah). and later drove us in circles for a bit as well. :s

then i had a bit of stomach upset (maybe too much dairy?)

so was in quite  A GRUMPY mood.

but N was sweet and didnt react badly, and was quite patient really. got me a phone for my present. (wasnt new, but nearly there, plus really, a lot more work goes into finding a good second hand cf a new one) so i felt a little shamed for my bad behavior really. ( i can be horribly spoilt.) but what i really wanted to say was, that i would have preferred if he did a little less running about and joined us for lunch instead (also because running around means a lot of wasted time.)

picked up an icecream cake. had a chat. i cooked beehoon! (albeit with quite a lot of guidance from my mum, but i hopefully can make it on my own now.)

N and dad fit together my new bed frame. only hope that goes into my dad’s good books.

aug 7- rain rain rain. hate the rain. sigh, asked to make the journey to the east. 😦 got wet getting a cab. but really i was like, i aint doing this shit for just anyone you better realise how lucky you are N. haha… exercised. chilled. had dinner with parents and bro. mixed reviews but oh well. cant please everyone. the unadon at s@kuray@ is a steal at 10bucks. the sashimi is iffy.

and today it is aug 8.

time for reflections, as usual, since i’m supposed to be doing journal club, it’s the perfect opportunity to do everything else.

😛

first birthday attached. it’s hard to imagine how relationships work. two people who have nothing to do with each other, decide they want to live together forever. whatever for man! and then they both go out of their way to please the other person. there’s some hocus pocusing going on here i tell you. some selfish gene shemangering. or maybe it’s God at work.

regardless, the simplest thing to say here is, that i felt very blessed and very loved on my birthday. thank you my dear family and my dear N.

Yet another tiff. I’m tired. He’s tired and sick. So who to blame but ourselves.
But I’m getting sick and tired of it.
Love bank in debt.

first week of residency

July 12, 2015

first week of residency has gone by. time flies terribly quickly really.

kinda drowning. the amt of admin work, the presentations. and there is no end in sight for stuff to read. I’m really beginning to regret not mugging harder before hand.

always sleepy.

trying hard to eat healthy, sleep enough, and exercise.

trying very hard not to get into trouble too! 😦

pray for me.

Pain

July 5, 2015

Listening to a song which comforted me during a&e. I hadn’t been able to listen to this song for a long time, because it became associated with pain. But now,I find myself being comforted by the same song.

The problem with a blog,is selection bias. This blog chronicles more pain than joy. But my life is probably equal parts happiness and sadness.

I had really happy times.
It’s just, sometimes things he says casts shadows in those happy times. Not to mention, causing me very much pain in the now as well.

Ah.